It’s been no secret to any of my former church leaders that it has been a struggle for me spiritually when we moved from the Philippines to Australia. It has been hard on me. It wasn’t easy, it was quite difficult. And my relationship with the Lord did not come out of it unscathed, on the contrary, it came out pretty wounded and broken and it hasn’t healed, grown, or moved forward since. I took it as a great offense from God when He chose to send us here. I have never recovered.
It has been 1 year, 2 months and 5 days since I last opened my bible and when I say open, I mean, really dwell in God’s Words, really listen to His heart and really read from His inspired writing. It has been 1 year, 2 months and 5 days of rebellion, of intentional rebellion against the One who gave His all for me. It’s been hard, it hasn’t been easy. My heart couldn’t understand why we needed to move here. I couldn’t understand why we needed to leave the Philippines, move to another continent and change our lifestyle. I just couldn’t. I’ve been angry ever since. I’ve been angry at the Lord, at the circumstance and at the situation. Why?! Why did we need to emigrate here? I still don’t know. Going to church was an unwanted chore I had to perform to please my parents, praying with my family before we went to bed was a dragging and boring time and I intentionally avoided opening my Bible, listening to any Praise and Worship song or even reading my journal (which I used to do before going to bed). I simply could not face the God who uprooted my life in the Philippines so that His will could be done. I just couldn’t see the purpose of it all.
I had not planned on writing about this, in fact, I’ve planned on blogging about anything BUT this. But this is something I could no longer avoid, this is something I could no longer put in a box and shove somewhere at the back of my mind. At 2 am today my mom came in my room crying, pleading that I go back. Pleading that I love the Lord again. She came in, tears streaming down her face, asking me what happened with my walk, asking me why I no longer pursue the Lord. It breaks my heart seeing her like that. And every time I remember it, it breaks my heart even more. But what can I do if I can’t love God anymore? What can I do if I can’t see pass my circumstance and my situation and bring myself to bend my knees and worship the One who gave it all? What if my wounds and my hurts refuse to heal? What if I stay broken?
I want to Love the Lord again but I’m afraid that if I open my heart up and love with my all, I might hurt again, I might hurt the same way or even worse than I’ve hurt when we left the Philippines. I used to pray that I want perfect love to wound me, that perfect love to ruin me. And I’ve seen people touched by perfect love and walk away a new person. But now that it’s happening to me, I find myself resisting this love. I find myself refusing to be wounded and touched and ruined by this Perfect Lover. When you’re in your comfort zone, praying to be ruined by Love you don’t realize that you’re praying that God prune you and grow you and change your comforts. You don’t realize the grasp and the depth of being ruined by Love. You just think that being ruined by Love means speaking in tongues more often, prophesying or even seeing visions, but you don’t realize that being ruined by love means being broken by a God who He himself laid broken for us. Being ruined by Love means leaving your comfort zone. Being ruined by Love means remaining broken and empty so that God can heal you and fill you. I used to think that what I was experiencing in the Philippines with ministry and my church involvement and my walk with Lord was great. And it was, it was a season of love and growth. But the moment I prayed that Love ruin me, it started something. God has a purpose, I know that now. I may have doubted it, or refused the truth of it, but I know it now. I’m broken and it’s okay. I’m broken and it is ok.
There are no shortcuts or detours when dealing with a broken heart. There’s no one-time fix. You can’t go from 0 to 60 in just a snap of a finger. Being broken by love and being ruined by love takes time. It is a beautiful thing when you become ruined by Love. It means you’re willing to lay down anything and everything to worship, spread and love God. You are willing to resound His renown over your own. Your plans, they no longer remain your plans, they become part of His Will and His plans. I am far from that. It has been a long long year. And I haven’t really been ok when we moved here but now, I slowly am coming back. I slowly am returning. I am broken and it’s ok to be broken. Being broken means God is doing something in your heart.
I guess the prophesy spoken over my life last 2011 was true. I am only scratching the surface of the heart of God. There’s more, so much more. I am only on the surface, I’m nowhere near the center of the heart of God. But I want to be. I finally want to love again. I finally am ready to run to the Cross. It’s not gonna be easy, far from it, but I am willing to put in the work and toil my vineyard after 1 year, 2 months and 5 days of rebellion.