I feel pissed off right now. Normally, I would write something deep, beautiful and meaningful, but not now. Just allow me to rant and complain a little. I risk sounding whiny but hey, I just need to get this off my chest.
So yes, what you’ve read is correct. I feel…Pissed. Angry. Irritated. Frustrated. Yes, I feel all that. And I don’t even know why. I just feel it. And what’s worse is that I get pissed off by the simplest things, things that didn’t use to piss me off, things that I used to laugh at, things I used to get amused by. Is there something wrong with me? Or are these things really just annoying?
Out of fear from sounding MORE whiny, snobbish and mean I won’t write about the people who specifically “annoy” me. But sometimes I just feel like walking out on everybody. I feel like I just want to crawl under a big rock and just lay there, in silence, for months and not just talk to anybody. I just wanna be alone. But then the question beckons to be answered, will I truly be alone? Am I going through this alone? Can I run to someone who would understand me just as I am, someone who would just take everything I’m about to say and just listen? Can I run to someone who could take everything I’m about to say and not get offended? AM I ALONE?
And at the thought of being alone I found fear. What if no one can ever understand me? What if nobody can understand what I feel? What if no one gets me? I’m alone. I’m alone. I’m alone. I found sadness. I found depression. No one can ever understand what I feel. Nobody can ever comfort me. Nobody can take this irritation, this unexplained anger away. NO ONE.
I was scanning WordPress while writing this blog and I came across this blogger, Brandon Chavez on his blog The Key of David. He wrote this blog titled “Beauty of God“. And in it he wrote this paragraph:
The study of God’s beauty takes time. It will come slowly for all of us. There is a sense in which you may a lot in a short time, yet there is even a greater sense that this is a life long treasure hunt. God’s grace imparts a new resolve and assurance that we will have more as we start by establishing new paradigms of God’s beauty. The only way forward is long and loving meditation that includes prayer with fasting and a pursuit of 100-fold obedience.
I was reminded that God’s love is His beauty. His love and goodness and grace IS His beauty. He is BEAUTIFUL because He is LOVE! And there is nothing more beautiful than LOVE. Then, I was suddenly reminded of this verse:
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deu 31:6 NIV)
And then I wasn’t afraid anymore. I wasn’t angry anymore. I wasn’t alone anymore. You see, when God says I will never leave you, it means HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU.
I hope that those who will read this will find peace in that verse. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU.